Adam Albright-Hanna: A selection of headlines published in The Onion


Man Texting While Driving Hits Man Texting While Walking


Area Senior Suspects Grandchild's Visit Just Some Sort Of Class Assignment


Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins


Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room


New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds


Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins


Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son


Motivational Poster Inspires 264 Layoffs


Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories


Man Cruises By William H. Macy’s Website To Check Out The Latest News


Scary Man On Sidewalk Counting Down To Something


Bad-Ass Engagement Ring Also Tells Time And Temperature


Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite


Sprinting Jogger Figures He Might As Well Snatch Purse


Janitor Could Be More Appreciative Of Nod


Uninvited Guest Rapper Ruins Album


Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook


Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Trying To Gentrify This Neighborhood


New Therapist Obsessed With Old Therapist


Relapsed Alcoholic Taking Back All His Apologies


AOL E-Mail Checked For Old Time’s Sake