Adam Albright-Hanna: A selection of headlines published in The Onion

 

Man Texting While Driving Hits Man Texting While Walking

 

Area Senior Suspects Grandchild's Visit Just Some Sort Of Class Assignment

 

Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins

 

Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room

 

New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds

 

Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins

 

Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son

 

Motivational Poster Inspires 264 Layoffs

 

Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories

 

Man Cruises By William H. Macy’s Website To Check Out The Latest News

 

Scary Man On Sidewalk Counting Down To Something

 

Bad-Ass Engagement Ring Also Tells Time And Temperature

 

Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite

 

Sprinting Jogger Figures He Might As Well Snatch Purse

 

Janitor Could Be More Appreciative Of Nod

 

Uninvited Guest Rapper Ruins Album

 

Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook

 

Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Trying To Gentrify This Neighborhood

 

New Therapist Obsessed With Old Therapist

 

Relapsed Alcoholic Taking Back All His Apologies

 

AOL E-Mail Checked For Old Time’s Sake